you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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