What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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