Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
