glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
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