I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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