when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
