I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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