Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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