This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
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he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
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You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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