I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
