if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
