ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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