No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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