$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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