You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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