and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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