the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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