If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
