david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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