oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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