I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
it's great music for shaving your balls
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
