so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
