Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
