I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
