Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
