It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.