i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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