you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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