In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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