Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
