there was a trapeze. enough said
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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