we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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