She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
