turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
