Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
