happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
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That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
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Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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