My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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