I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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