Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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