it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
