I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
