dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
