i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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