tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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