I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Congratulations! We have a period
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