Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
