I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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