I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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