I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She even gives head with a lisp.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize