Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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