Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
