i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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