You're completely useless in the revolution.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
