"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
