I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
