Kiss
Puke
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
