Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
